It was a long summer. It gets so hot that I can't do anything outside.
I still didn't get in the habit of summer naps, which I promise to do every year.
My mind, distracted by the internets. What a vice.
I got a lot done this year, compared to previous.
As I accepted my life as an adventure, and as I changed my eating toward Natural Hygiene (raw, which was mostly fruits in Spring and Summer), the body pains mostly ended, and the energy level rose a good bit. I was able to get more done. But as winter knocks, I look around and get discouraged by the important house projects that were supposed to get done, but didn't. And probably won't. They require materials, lots of labor. Time is ticking, and no funds.
This is where my worries and anxiety lie. What if. The winds, heavy rain, endless rainy days. What if we have some of the humongous hail I've seen online? What if a tree (I won't even say it)... one did, last year, so now it's another item in the list. There is one that hangs above my place, as the edge of a sliding hillside. I spoke to the owner, he did nothing. I heard that if I had home insurance, I could call them. But I don't.
I'm learning how to use power tools and how projects are done. But I have no tools, and I have no funds to get them. Maybe one at a time, but not even now, because from now until May, I have a few big bills coming.
In addition to the bid stuff, so much prep needs to be done and my mind freezes. I look at things, and look at things, and no ideas come up, as to what to do. Almost as if I needed someone to bounce off of but the cats and the dogs ain't interested in this. All the want is food. Follow me, stare at me. Sometimes, the pressure is almost unbearable.
Feel frozen on many levels. Reached out so someone I think should care, but the person does not care. Didn't before, doesn't now. In my dreams, this person is often uninterested in me, ignoring me, or leaving me behind. If I could avoid dreaming about certain people, I surely would.
What's the only thing I rely on? God. I feel protected. And I settle in that. And I will do what I can.
I even dream that I can, soon, buy some wood and to a makeshift porch so I don't have to rely on tarps swinging in the elements because in the windy, rainy days, I am forced to go outside to re-tie, fix, and sometimes am hit in the face by these swinging things that have to be re-tied. This happened last year. Hit in the face by a tarp while outside during a heary windstorm. It's what I gotta do. I can't let the things simply swing because the final result would be costly and unwanted.
I've been quiet for years. I'm feeling like coming out. Although this is not self pity. Rather, it's a testament as to how strong I have been. If I had been told, when I first moved to the west coast, that I would be living as I do today, where I live, how I live, I would have most positively have denied that I could handle. Yet, I do handle. I've handled a lot. I've had old, experienced handymen tell me that I am very strong. And one said that my place is better than his rental - that he would switch in a flinch if he was given the choice.
As I learn about construction and power tools, and how things are done, I look around and start to see that things are possible. Just not fast. It will take time, and time, and time. Patience, Relaxation. Planning. Rehashing.
My age is a minus in what comes to energy and ability. I cannot do many things on my own. Or maybe I can. I watch a lot of youtube videos on this. And I've seen many women doing things on their own, even older ones. I think if I can manage to recite positive affirmations long enough, I will help my brain to flip from fear to "it's possible". And that's what I am determined to do. If the roof is damaged, oh well, there is always tarping until Spring. I guess. I will do what I can. And hope for the best.
Hello Winter. I know it's you, dressed in Fall.
Please be kind.
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(C) 2024 Cris Melo / Melo Earth
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